


Pull me from the Stars

by Reitasha



Category: AU - Fandom, Captain America (Movies), Post Captain America: Winter Solider, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Winter Solider - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn, Slow Dancing, reader story, study
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:49:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26397439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reitasha/pseuds/Reitasha
Summary: Bucky is struggling to even set foot in the local library. But then you show up and things just all fall into place.Make sure to use the google chrome plugin to change Y/N to yours!https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/interactivefics/pcpjpdomcbnlkbghmchnjgeejpdlonli?hl=en
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s)/Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	1. Speed Walking

**Author's Note:**

> Hello..this may be a slow update fic but hang tight I promise to deliver 
> 
> Comment/Rates and Kudos are lovely!

Bucky, former winter solider (though sometimes it felt like he was still the winter soldier) stood in front of the library and watched as people darted in and out of the sliding glass doors. He’s killed, maimed and wounded people for years yet he couldn’t work up the courage to set foot in a public library. _This is stupid just walk in,_ he chided himself. Pulling his baseball cap lower over his eyes. He took a step towards the building and just as he made it to the doors, they opened. He quickly turned on his heels and walked away.

He’d try again tomorrow.

* * *

He stared from across the street, it was quieter this time. Less people milling about because of the morning rain. As a red car passed, Bucky stepped into the street and quickly crossed. This time he was going in, he was going to get what needed and leave and that would be that. Gloved hand clenched in his jacket pocket, he reached the doors and they slid open letting out warm air into the street. He stood there for a moment, and just as he was about to walk in a man came hustling out and narrowly avoided colliding into him. That was it for Bucky, it was too much. Again he turned around and walked away.

* * *

It had been a few days since the last incident, and Bucky stood leaning against a parking meter watching the doors. He’d been here for more than hour; he was bound to arouse suspicion at some point and then he’d have to leave again. He remembered what Steve had said this morning while training.

“Buck, just take a deep breath and walk in. It’s a library they won’t stop you.” Steve said holding the punching bag for Bucky who was punching a one, two hit combination repetitively.

“You know it’s not that.” Bucky said between hits “I just don’t want anyone to recognize me.” Steve shook his head. “They won’t Buck, I promise.”

So, Bucky had worked up the nerve once again to go to the library. An opening appeared suddenly, no one was entering or leaving the building and Bucky made his move. Once again, the doors slid open and Bucky determinedly stepped into the building. He approached the front desk without making any eye contact with a single person until he looked up at the petite red head who was typing away on a computer.

“Scan your library card.” She said gesturing to the scanner resting in its holder. Bucky stumbled to a stop before the front desk.

“I uhh” he stuttered, anxiety already starting to build, his entire body urging him to feel. Before the red headed woman could look up he was back out the front doors and onto the street.

 _Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid_ he chanted in his head repeatedly as he speed walked down the street.

“Wait!” Someone shouted, Bucky ignored it, it probably wasn’t for him anyways.

“Dude in the red cap hold up!” Ok, someone was calling out to him. He turned around and saw a woman jogging towards him. She was wearing jeans, boots and a loose top, no jacket in sight against the fall weather.

“Holy cow you are fast, do you compete in speed walking competitions.” She said a little out of breath. Bucky didn’t say anything to her, if anything the only thing running through his brain was what Tony called the dial up tone. The woman looked at him waiting for a response.

“uuh no.” Bucky finally supplied. She smiled and Bucky found it dazzling.

“I’ve seen you lurking around the library, but I think that’s the first time I’ve seen you actually walk in.” When Bucky didn’t respond she continued talking. “I saw you balk at the front desk, and I realized that you probably didn’t have a library card and that’s why you took off.” Bucky stood there like an idiot unable to form a response.

“Soooo do you need a library card or not?” She asked.

“yeah…yeah I do.” Bucky replied finally getting some words out. _You need to relax she’s just a woman._ He mentally supplied to himself. _You used to be a international assassin and now you cant even talk to a woman._

“Ok perfect follow me and I'll help get you one!” Before Bucky could respond she had turned around and was walking back to the library. He hesitated for a moment, but if this woman could get him access to the stuff he needed then he should follow. With a deep breath Bucky followed the woman back to the library.

“Selene.” The woman singsonged as she approached the front desk. The redhead looked up from her computer and narrowed her eyes.

“What is it Y/N?” 

Y/N smiled, “My friend here…” she looked back at Bucky raising her eyebrows. _Oh, crap she wants a name_

“James.” He supplied immediately. Y/N smiled and turned back around, “As I was saying, my friend James needs a library card.

“Well does your friend James go to college? If he doesn’t it’s the full fee.” Selene replied pointing to the sign that stated that there was a fifty-dollar sign up fee. Bucky was already digging into his back-pant pocket for his wallet, but before he could take it out, Y/N was leaning over the front desk gesturing Selene to get closer to her.

“Selene, do you remember that favor you owe me?” she whispered. Bucky’s sensitive hearing picked up the conversation clearly. He watched as Selene frowned and locked eyes with Y/N.

“Are you calling that favor in? Remember that’s a one time favor I won’t be doing anymore for you.” She replied. Y/N looked back at Bucky and stared at him for a moment. Bucky at this point had started to panic, a sinking feeling settling in his gut. But then she smiled and turned back to Selene.

“I’m calling it in.” Selene sighed and looked behind her and at Bucky, “Alright, come and stand on the white line James we’ll take your photo for your card.” Y/N smiled triumphantly and stepped away to let Bucky approach. He removed his hat and with a flash, his photo was taken. Selene asked him about where he lived and for his last name which he chose to be Buchannan not knowing if his last name Barnes would tip anyone off.

After a few moments, a machine sputtered to life behind her and she turned and grabbed a card out of it. She slid it to Bucky who took it and looked at the photo.

“Scary, you look like you killed someone.” Y/N supplied peaking over his shoulder to get a look of the photo. _You have no idea,_ He replied internally.

“Thank you.” He said turning to her. “I guess I owe you a favor now.” She smiled and shook her head.

“Nah just think of it as my good deed for the day.” They stood there for a moment, both unable to come up with anything else to say.

“Well I better get going, I promised the guy watching my stuff that I would be back in five minutes and I am way past that time limit.” Y/N said breaking the silence.

“Yeah I better get going too…I need to head back.” Bucky replied lamely.

“Catch you around the library then James!” She said a little bit too loudly, earning her a few glares.

“Yeah see you.” He turned and started walking towards the doors and out of the library. As he walked back from the Avengers tower he felt lighter than he had in days.


	2. A Maze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky vs the library

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this isn't set in a specific library...its kind of just a library that has what Bucky needs. 
> 
> Also I don't have an editor but I after a few hours I come back and come through the chapter to make sure there aren't any heavy mistakes. 
> 
> Comment/Kudos are amazing and I enjoy reading them!

It was a full month before Bucky made it back to the library. HYDRA and a bunch of other organizations had suddenly increased their attacks and Bucky was constantly called away to handle it all with Steve. On one of those missions, they had stumbled into one of the winter soldiers’ old safe houses. It had put Bucky on edge and his anxiety only got worse as the team of shield agents gathered whatever they found for later study.

He was not in a good headspace at the moment.  
  
  


At least this time there was no hesitation as he walked into the library. He already had his library card in his gloved hand ready to be scanned before he had even set foot in the building. A beep and flash of green, and he was in. But now what? Quickly panic set in, he had no idea where to start looking for what he needed. And the wide-open space in front of him full of tables and people started to grow larger by the second in his eyes. Without thinking he turned left and darted into the first aisle of books he saw. He stood in the aisle and closed his eyes and counted to fifty. Counting helped refocus himself and it was a trick Tony had taught him.  
  
 _“Look panic attacks suck but if you distract yourself by counting or even reciting all of the Led Zeppelin albums in alphabetical order. It takes the edge off.” Tony told him one night  
while he worked on Bucky’s metal arm after a mission.  
  
“The main thing is that you stop focusing on what’s making you panic.”  
_  
Bucky was at forty when he opened his eyes and refocused on the bookshelf in front of him. The books were all brightly colored and were mismatched in their sizes. Bucky found that odd and went to pull a book off the shelf to read a title.   
  
“Hey James!” A voice loudly whispered from the end of the aisle. The book was suddenly in his hands ready to be launched at the would-be assailant to distract them before he attacked. He stopped himself short as he realized it was Y/N at the end of the aisle.  
  
“Oh, Hi.” He said after a few seconds, forcing himself to lower the book to his side. Y/N hair was wet from the rain and it was slowly dripping off onto her black jacket, which was also dripping onto the floor. But she was smiling like it didn’t bother her at all. God she was pretty.  
  
“Hey long time no see! I thought for a while there that you had decided to never come back.” She said coming closer to him.  
  
“Work kept me busy.” He replied, forcing himself not to step back as she approached. She was harmless, so why was he so ready to run for it every time he saw her.

“Wow you must have a tough job to keep you away for so long.” She said adjusting her backpack on her shoulders.  
  


“Yeah its not an easy one.” He said laughing a little to force himself to relax.

“So, what are you doing in the kids’ section?”

“The kids section?” he repeated, only then did he look down and see the book he was holding. It was a book called _Cap in a Hat_ with a ridiculous cartoon version of Steve as Captain America popping out of a hat.

“Yeah is that why you needed to come into the library? For a kids’ book?” Y/N teased. Bucky felt himself turning red.

“Oh yeah, I wanted this particular book. Looks like my mission was successful.” _Bad choice of words idiot_ he thought and was ready to stumble through an explanation, but Y/N laughed. And Bucky smiled a little and slid the book back into its place. A thought popped into his head, maybe he should ask her if she could help him look for what he needed. _But then she’ll think your weird, not knowing your way around a library._

“So umm this is going to sound weird.” He started, “But I don’t really know my way around this library. Think you could give me a tour?” He finished nervously, flexing his gloved hand out of habit.

Y/N looked at him and shrugged, “Sure I mean it’s your first time here, so I guess you don’t know the place very well.” Bucky felt himself relax even more and his shoulders dropped a little of their tension. “Let’s grab a table first and we can get started. She turned and started walking out of the kids’ section and Bucky once again followed her.

* * *

_I need a map._ Bucky thought to himself as Y/N pointed out to another section of the library

“Right so this section is historical nonfiction, but that’s only half of it. The rest is on the second floor.” She was pointing to a section off to the left. So far, they had only covered the first floor, where the computer stations, study rooms and tables were set up as well as the fiction, non-fiction and kid’s sections of book were to be found.

“The second floor is where you’ll find the public records, private collection books that you need permission to see and use and the sci-fi section oddly enough.”

“I like Sci-fi.” Bucky replied and couldn’t help but smile a little as he remembered when him and Steve would look over comics filled with Martians and astronauts. 

“Then you’ll love that section they got some books dating back to the thirty’s! They even have a recording of that War of the Worlds radio show from 1938 that you can get a copy of!” Y/N seemed very excited to be sharing these facts with Bucky, she was practically bouncing on her heels. He almost wanted to tell her that he had already heard it live. Steve had borrowed a neighbor’s radio and they both had stayed up late into the night listening to the show.

At least that’s what Steve had told him. Bucky felt the inky blackness begin to coil in his stomach at the reminder of that. He’d lost so much when he became the winter solider that most of his memories were just what Steve remembered and retold to him. He didn’t have many memories to call his own, and that was probably the worst thing that had happened to him.

“Hey are you ok?” Y/N voice cut through his dark thoughts and he refocused on her. She was looking at him worriedly and had her hand poised as if she was about to grab his sleeve.

“Oh yeah just thinking.”

“That’s a very scary thinking face then.” She replied putting her hand down.

“Yeah, sorry sometimes when I think about something I make that face.” He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck as he spoke. He prayed the ground would open up and swallow him whole.

“That’s ok sometimes I zone out and I look like I’m a million miles away, so I get it.” She said as if she was trying to make it less awkward for him.

“Let’s go to the science fiction section then and see if you can find a book you’d like.”

“Yeah ok.”

* * *

“So why are you going to the library every off chance you get?” Tony asked making what seemed like his fourth pot of coffee in the kitchen. Bucky was sitting at the island reading _John Carter_ when Tony had stumbled out of his lab and into the kitchen. While they had gotten through the difficulties of what he had done as the winter solider to Tony and his family, he couldn’t help but feel slightly uneasy being alone with him.

“It’s just something to do.” He replied, focusing on the book.

“You live in New York! There is so much more to do than just walking around a stuffy library.” Tony retorted, pulling a cup down from the cabinet. Bucky ignored him and focused on his book. Y/N had pulled it from the shelves when Bucky mentioned he liked outer space themed sci-fi as they browsed the shelves. And so far he was enjoying it. But it wasn’t the reason he was going to the library.

_Tomorrow_ , he said to himself silently _tomorrow I’ll do what I wanted to do in the first place_.


	3. The Solider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finds himself sinking into his thoughts and you try to get him to stay afloat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: MENTION OF SUICIDE 
> 
> This was a tough chapter to write. I guess my version of Bucky is very messed up. He struggles with PTSD and now that he's able to think freely and express himself...he can't 
> 
> Comments/Kudos are as usual an amazing. Especially comments..they motivate me to write a chapter a day. lol 
> 
> ENJOY!

Bucky set down his stack of books across from Y/N, she eyed the pile with smirk and went back to taking notes. 

“I know, _No more than five books at check out_.” He almost had Selene’s nasally voice down perfectly. “But I am going to flip through a few first before I decide which ones I want to check out.” He finished sitting down at the table.

Y/N rolled her eyes and flipped a page of her own book. “Last time you said that we stayed past closing trying to decide which ones to take.” she grumbled. Bucky smirked and pulled a book off the top of his stack.

This comfortable routine had only been established in the past few weeks. Bucky would come to the library attempt to look for what he was searching for only to give up in frustration and retreat home. But on the days that Y/N was there, he followed her around like a lost dog through the shelves. Usually Y/N pulled books from historical nonfiction citing she was doing hobby research. But Bucky had a hunch that she just liked to read them for fun. She also took the time to help Bucky chose a few books to take home when she was with him. Mostly he took home science fiction books and a few history books that dated after the 40’s. He wanted to know how the world had changed while he was the winter solider. He never really noticed any changes when he was out of the ice, even if he did, they wiped his memories every time.

“That was one time and I said it wouldn’t happen it again.” He replied, flipping the book open and beginning to read. He also felt more comfortable with Y/N. Her cheerful attitude and sometimes brutal sarcasm kept Bucky on his toes, and he felt like he didn’t have to be the winter solider or Bucky Barnes, best friend of Captain America around her. He could just be himself.

“Is being security at the Avengers tower really that boring that you need to talk home a stack of books every time?” Y/N asked, looking up from her book.

Ok, maybe not entirely himself. He had asked a few weeks ago what she does when she’s not at the library (Was he hoping he could see her somewhere else when he asked that question? Maybe, he wasn’t sure.) She had neatly responded that she helps run a florist shop a few blocks away. It brought in decent money but not enough to sate her need for books. So, she was always checking books out and if she fell in love with a book then she would buy it later. His question led to her asking what he did for work. _Ex international communist assassin with amnesia._ Was his initial thought, _Sometimes I fight things from outer space and humans with supernatural abilities with the Avengers too._ He pushed those thoughts to the side and quickly made up a lie that was as close to the truth as he could make it. He did work at the Avengers Tower and he was security in a sense.

“Well the tower is full of superheroes who can handle themselves. I just handle the fans and normal people.” He replied, Y/N snorted.

“Those fans are as about as dangerous as the villains sometimes. Did you see what they did when they found out about the winter solider living there.” Bucky clenched his teeth and stared at a page in his book to prevent himself from visibly reacting. Oh yes, the month-long protests and demands he answer any questions they had about family members killed or what else he had done when he was active.

_“Steve, I should just go underground.” He had said one night during the protests as he watched the crowd through a window. Steve was beside him, glaring at the crowd on Bucky’s behalf._

_“No,” Steve had snapped “You did nothing wrong Buck. You didn't knwo what you were doing.”_

_“Some part of me knew what was going on though.” Bucky replied stepping away from the window._

_“But there was nothing you could have done to stop yourself!” Steve said following him_

_“I could have just let myself die at the bottom of that mountain instead of clinging to life.” He remembered those moments clearly, that’s how they kept him from killing himself later. Letting him remember those memories over and over again._

_Him lying in the snow, blood pouring out of his mangled arm and snow slowly falling on him. The silence after he stopped screaming for help. The half-thought prayers to anyone who would listen to let him live just a bit longer._

_He would do anything to live. The relief when he sensed someone standing over him, and the horror at realizing who it was._

“Yeah I know.” Was all that Bucky said in response to Y/N. But she had closed her book by now and was drumming her pencil on her notebook, her eyes getting a distant look in them.

“It’s just why would they even bother? He did a lot of bad things.” Bucky felt his heart hammering against his ribs, she hated him too. She was one of the many thousands who wanted answers he couldn’t provide. He had to leave. Make an excuse and go and never come back here.

“But he was brainwashed for god’s sake; not like he had any control over it.” He stopped breathing as she spoke. 

“People who have been manipulated so they don’t remember anything of themselves other than what they’ve been told to do shouldn’t be blamed for what they did in that state. If anything, I hope he’s getting treated for PTSD among the many other things he should be getting looked at for.” She made eye contact with him as she finished speaking. 

Bucky was sweating underneath his jacket; his metal arm had started to throb at the joint, this was too much. _She knows_. But then Y/N looked away from him. 

“I don’t know it’s not my place to say how he should run his life; I just wish people were nicer towards him. Do you hate him as much as some people do?”

Bucky wrestled with his thoughts before replying. He should just tell her, that he was the winter solider. But that would drive her away and he’d lose the one connection to the outside world who wasn’t a superhero or involved in an organization.

“I don’t hate him...” He started to say, but a beep emitted from Y/N’s bag and she pulled her phone out and looked at the screen and sighed.

“Crap, I have to go. I’m supposed to close the shop today and I’m late.” She stood up and started putting her things away. “You think you can manage here? I can’t save you from Selene if you end up taking all those books home.”

“Yeah I’ll be fine.”

“Oh, before I forget, here.” She tore out a piece of paper from her notebook and scribbled her phone number on it and slid it to him. “You can text me whenever, heck I’ll even accept phone calls if you’re that bored while at work.” She stood, shouldering her backpack. Bucky took the piece of paper and put it in his pocket.

“Thanks" He said "I’ll see you around?” he asked hopefully. 

“Of course! We always seem to run into each other here.” And with that Y/N left and Bucky found himself once again alone.

* * *

He couldn’t sleep. He had been staring at his ceiling for what seemed like hours. Did she or did she not know he was the winter solider? Based on what she had said it sounded like she didn’t, but what if she was just good at hiding it?

Bucky sighed in frustration and tossed himself to the side and reached for his phone. He had added her number as soon as he had gotten back to the tower. He had refrained himself from texting her as soon as he had saved it but now, he couldn’t resist. With a few swipes he typed out a message, figuring she wouldn’t see it till the morning since it was so late.

**> > _I don’t hate him. But I don’t think I can forgive him for what he’s done._**

_**> > This is James btw ** _

He put his phone back down just as it chimed with a new message,

>> _Still on that train of thought? lol Like I said, he had no control over his actions right?_

**_> > Right. _ **

_> > So at the end of the day he’s just a man who has gone through some horrible stuff that he couldn't stop himself from doing. _

_> > I personally don’t think I would have survived what he has gone through even once, much less seventy years of it. _

**_> > Yeah. _ **

_> > I think he’s stronger than he knows, he just needs to realize that. _

Bucky shut his eyes to stop the tears that threatened to fall. How could she see so deeply into him without even realizing it? His phone chimed again, but he ignored it as he forced himself to count to fifty and breath. After a few minutes he looked at his phone again and read the message.

>> _Didn’t think you would linger on that conversation so much. Good thing I gave you my number ;)_

Bucky smiled weakly and felt his heart flutter a bit. He didn't know how to respond to the message so instead he typed out what he had been trying to find the courage to say since they had met. When the message was sent, he silenced his phone and drifted to sleep. 

**> > _Yeah . I'm glad you gave it to me. I was actually wondering if you could help me out with something when you have a chance?_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want the songs that were playing while I wrote this chapter I'll happily send them along. 
> 
> Also I'm looking for this to possibly be a ten chapter fic..maybe less. Depends on how slow I take it from here.


	4. A Man but not a Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets caught in his own lie and faces the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure to Comment and give out Kudos!

Bucky waited on the second floor of the library for Y/N. They had agreed to meet here a few days after he asked her for help. He watched the old man in front of him shuffle back and forth down the aisles, pulling files down and putting others away. When Bucky had first walked up the stairs the older man had cheerfully greeted him and asked what he needed from public records. Bucky just said he was waiting for a friend who was going to help him.

“Ah well then take a seat over there and take off your hat young man. It’s rude to keep it on indoors” the man had replied gesturing to a sofa. _I’m at least twenty years older than you._ Bucky thought but he complied and took off his baseball cap and sat down. By the time Y/N made her way up the stairs, Bucky’s leg was jittery with nerves.

“Hey.” She said walking over to the sofa where he sat. She was dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans; she had taken off her longer coat and had it resting over one of her arms. Y/N looked like she was about to speak but stopped, her eyes going wide and smile appearing.

“What?” He asked, his nervousness now skyrocketing as her smile got even bigger.

“You took off your hat!” She exclaimed. “I’ve never seen you without it off!” Bucky sighed in relief and laughed at little.

“Yeah the old man over there told me it was rude to wear in doors.”

“Oh, you mean Paul? Yeah, he’s a stickler for etiquette.” Y/N replied. She stepped a little closer to Bucky and bent over him since he was still siting. She raised her hand to his face as if to push some hair out of Bucky’s face. Bucky braced himself for the touch he found himself desperately craving, but Y/N suddenly seemed to remember herself and pulled her hand back.

“Sorry, force of habit! I have a cousin whose hair is always in their face and I always move it.” 

“It’s fine.” Bucky mumbled standing up. Y/N looked at him a little hurt, but she shook her head as if to clear her thoughts and dug into her pants pocket.

“Here use this hair tie and tie it back so you can actually see. You sheep dog.” She teased. She was right of course; Bucky had not cut his hair since returning to world of the un-brainwashed and it was hanging long over his shoulders. He took the hair tie from her, his fingers grazing hers sending little sparks straight to his gut. He ignored the feelings and put his hair up in a bun and looked at Y/N for approval.

“Man, you are so much prettier now that I can see you face.” She said offhandedly. _Oh, two can play that game._ With some instinct Bucky forgot he had, he stepped closer to Y/N and cupped her face with his real hand. She was shocked at first, but it was quickly replaced with a challenging expression. He brought himself close to her face as if to kiss her but at the last second turned his face and whispered in her ear.

“And you are beautiful when you blush.” Immediately her face turned red and she spluttered taking a step back, pulling her face away from his hand. He laughed deeply, the first time in years in felt like as she glared at him.

“That was dirty.” She grumbled, but she smiled after a few seconds. Someone cleared their throat behind them, Bucky looked over past Y/N and saw Paul glaring at them. Y/N turned as well and was now even redder at the realization that Paul had seen the whole interaction between them.

“Do either of you need any help?” Paul asked not breaking eye contact. Y/N cleared her throat and made her way towards him.

“Hi Paul…Sorry about.” _I’m not_ Bucky thought to himself as Y/N talked to Paul about accessing some records.

“Some of our records have been digitized. What years are you looking at?” Y/N turned to Bucky and gestured for him to step forward.

“Umm I’m looking for some relatives…they were born in the 1920’s” he unfolded the piece of paper he had written the names down on and handed it to Paul. Paul took it and entered their names into the computer and read the screen.

“Their names aren’t listed here so you’re going to have to look for them with the physical records. Are you looking for birth certificates or death certificates?” Bucky swallowed nervously, he didn’t want to find their death certificates, some part of him had hoped they were still alive.

“Whatever you can find I guess.” He replied. Paul took the piece of paper and walked back behind the desk down some aisles.

“Relatives huh?” Y/N asked casually.

“Yeah I’m trying to piece together my past.” Y/N shrugged and went to sit down back on the sofa and pulled out her phone. Bucky stood at the desk tapping his fingers against its top. After about ten minutes Paul came back with a stack of folders and set them in front of Bucky.

“Looks like the government requested the original files a while back. I only have the copies with me.” The first folder caught Bucky’s eye immediately. There was photo of a young man in an army dress uniform, happily smiling at the camera seemingly without a care in the world.

“There’s five folders here, you were missing a name on your list. So, I brought that one out as well. You want copies of everything?”

“Yes please.” Bucky replied half listening as a bell started ringing in his head as he stared at the photo.

“Who was he missing?” Y/N asked from the sofa. Paul casually pulled the first folder off the stack and read the name.

“James Buchannan Barnes.”

* * *

People walked past the window of the coffee shop they sat at. Paul had asked they come back tomorrow for the copies of the files. So wordlessly they had left, Bucky unable to say anything and Y/N walking ahead of him in silence.

“Y/N..” Bucky started to say when they made it to the first floor. But she turned to face him before he could finish.

“Not here, lets go to the coffee shop next door.” Was all she said before walking away.

So now they were at the coffee shop, Bucky shredding a napkin in front of him and Y/N with a coffee staring out the window.

“I can explain.” He finally said.

“I hope you do.” Was all she replied still staring out the window. Bucky felt his stomach tighten up with dread, he was going to have to start from the beginning.

“I didn’t want to lie to you…but I also didn’t want to be recognized.” God this was like pulling teeth for him. Every sentence an uphill battle. “When most people realize I’m the winter solider or Sgt. James Barnes they tend to steer clear of me.” Y/N said nothing to this. Bucky was forced to keep speaking. “But then you were kind and not afraid to talk to me even though you barely knew me.” Bucky had finished tearing the napkin and was staring at Y/N mentally pleading she would turn and look at him.

“Why did you need to get into the library.” She asked still not looking at him.

“Steve…I mean Cap..”

“I know who you’re talking about.” She snapped.

“Right. Well he told me that I have or rather had siblings.” This was the hardest part. Explaining that he couldn’t remember his own family and every memory he had wasn’t from his point of view. “And I can’t remember them at all. And I have this hope that if I find out things about them, it will help me remember other things from back then.”

It had been Steve’s idea one day as they flew back from a mission. _“Maybe if you look up your family and see their faces you will start remembering things from back then.”_ Steve had said to him looking hopeful. Steve was desperate to have his best friend back. Bucky could hear it in his voice every time they talked about his amnesia.

“You don’t remember anything?” Y/N asked turning towards him. Bucky felt the tension in his stomach ease at bit. She didn’t look angry, but her expression was guarded.

“I remember little things here and there but it’s in fragments.” He confessed.

“Do you remember anything you did as the winter solider.” The question was blunt, and Bucky felt himself starting to collapse into himself. She no longer saw him as a friend but as a killer.

“I don’t remember anything…but I get feelings sometimes when I see something or someone. It’s like a ghost.” He focused on the shreds of napkin in front of him trying to calm his racing heart and thoughts. “I’ve never looked at my records as the winter solider, so I have no idea what I’ve done.” He said quietly.

“I read a book on the winter solider once. Some guy wrote it after the black widow confessed to everything and all the HYRDA records leaked.” Y/N said slowly tracing her finger around the top of her coffee lid.

“He did a lot of terrible things, killed a lot of people. I don’t think I slept for days after finishing that book.” Bucky felt the world tilt as she spoke. She had read every terrible thing he had done.

“But that’s not you…is it?”

Bucky’s head snapped up and looked at Y/N. She had tears in her eyes and when Bucky looked again at her hands, he realized that they were shaking.

“You aren’t the winter solider, are you?” She repeated her voice wavering. Bucky didn't know what to say, so he told the truth. 

“I’m not him.” Bucky finally replied not knowing what else to say. “To be honest I don’t know who I am anymore.” 

When he stopped talking, Y/N reached across the table and took Bucky’s gloved hand into her own. Bucky held his breath and looked up and saw that Y/N was smiling at him.

“You’re James.”


	5. I am yours if you want me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You help Bucky comes to terms with every part of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're hot and heavy in this chapter. 
> 
> Comment/Kudos= love

“Who you are waiting for in the lobby?” Tony asked stopping beside Bucky, car keys in his hand.

“A friend.” He replied not bothering to look at Tony. He knew Tony’s eyebrows had shot to his forehead.

“A friend?” Tony repeated. “Why don’t you wait upstairs? Security can buzz them in, and FRIDAY can escort them.”

“I just didn’t want her to get lost.” Bucky said cringing at the lie. The truth was he just really wanted to see her before the rest of the Avengers did.

_“Her?_ It’s a girl?!” Tony exclaimed. “Wow I almost want to stay and see how this goes…” Bucky nailed him with a glare and Tony cleared his throat. “But you know Pepper has summoned me, so I’m off! Keep your bedroom door open!” He yelled as he walked out the building and into the usual small group of paparazzi that hung around the tower.

A few minutes later as Bucky pulled out his phone for the hundredth time to check his phone, he heard the sliding doors open and Y/N walked in. Her hood was pulled low over her face and she was wearing sunglasses, the paparazzi behind her was practically howling after her, cameras flashing.

She stopped in front of him and removed her sunglasses and looked straight into his eyes. Bucky blanched, suddenly remember how they had left things at the coffee shop, awkward and stilted.

“I brought the files.” She said showing him the folders she had stashed inside her long jacket to protect them from the rain.

“Thanks. And thanks for coming to the tower instead of the library.” He replied rubbing the back of his neck with his gloved hand.

“So does the paparazzi just live there? I mean they didn’t think anything of me till I went for the doors and then they spotted you out here.”

“Yeah they tend to stake the place out." He replied, "If you wanted to give them something to talk about, we could. Though I think security would hate us for it.” He had no idea where this line of thought was coming from, but it was out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

She looked at him and smirked. “Like what? kiss? I can only imagine what the headlines would look like _Mysterious hooded woman makes out with the Winter Solider._ ” There was a challenge in her eyes and Bucky found himself rising to meet it to.

“I would make sure they knew it was you. I would pull your hood down like this.” He reached behind her head and tugged her hood off, revealing her hair. “Then I would pull you in close.” Putting his hand on her hip, he pulled her closer to him, their chests almost touching. In the distantly Bucky was aware of the howling of the paparazzi increase almost tenfold. But he didn’t care, he was looking at Y/N who had gone red and her breathing shallow. For a moment he thought she was afraid and then she looked at him and he realized he was very wrong.

“And then I would lean in like this.” His leaned in, lips hovering just barely over hers. Baiting her to cover the remaining distance between them. Just when he thought she would do it, he pulled away. Immediately her challenging stare turned into anger and she stepped back as if she had been burned. 

“That was dirty.” She hissed, shaking her head as if to clear whatever she was thinking. Bucky chuckled, “Come on let’s get upstairs.” He led the way to the elevators after getting Y/N a guest pass from security. They were silent as they ascended. Y/N looking at her phone, looking lost in thought.

“Penny for your thoughts?” He teased, trying to peak at her phone.

“Trying to stop myself from taking you in this elevator.” She said casually not looking up from her phone. Now it was Bucky’s turn to burn red, he felt a different sensation curling in his gut that he usually felt, he cleared his throat loudly.

“Now look whose playing dirty.” She turned to him and grinned and he couldn’t help but laugh and as soon as he did so did she. The elevators door opened to the penthouse and Bucky gestured for Y/N to enter first. Luckily no one was around this time of day, so they had the place to themselves.

“Wow look at this place! Its huge!” Y/N exclaimed running her fingers over the marble counter of the kitchen. Bucky thought to himself suddenly that he would like to explore how much weight that marble counter could hold with her. He quickly scrubbed the thought out of his head. They were there to do research about his siblings and that’s it.

“I brought out my laptop. Tony gave it to me when I first got here. So we can do some online research if we needed.” He gestured to the laptop sitting on the living room coffee table, next to two fresh notebooks and a line of pens he had painstakingly arranged hours before she arrived.

“Wow someone is ready to work.” She said taking out the files from her jacket and putting them on the coffee table. She sat down on the sofa with a sigh, Bucky couldn't help but notice she was wearing a deep blue top and black jeans; she was stunning in such a simple outfit.

“You kept your hair up.” Y/N said as he sat down next to her at a respectful distance. To be honest he preferred it to be up now if also helped that she had given him the hair tie which was even more incentive to wear it up. Before he could reply she was speaking again. 

“You know, now that I know you were the Winter Solider.” She emphasized the past tense as she spoke. “You don’t have to hide yourself anymore.” She made a pointed glance at his gloved hand. Dread filled Bucky, he had kept his usual gray jacket on over a black t-shirt and his metal hand gloved. This was a part he hated about himself as much as his amnesia. He was still unfamiliar with a body that in his mind he had only gotten complete control of. The layers of clothes he wore were his shield that he so desperately needed sometimes.

“You don’t have to if you want!” Y/N exclaimed, speaking quickly. He had taken too long to respond to her so she was backpedaling. “It’s just, this is your home, right? You should be comfortable.”

“No, you’re right.” Bucky said sighing. The other Avengers saw his metal arm all the time and he was always lounging around in t-shirt and sweatpants. But ten minutes before she was due to come over, he felt the need to wear the protective layers. Without thinking about the consequences, he tugged his glove off first. Y/N distracted herself with the laptop as he shrugged off his jacket and put it to the side. She was trying to act like it wasn’t a big deal. 

Bucky closed his eyes and counted to twenty before opening them again, he looked over and glanced to Y/N. She had put down the laptop and had inched closer to him when his eyes had been shut. Her eyes fixed on his metal arm.

“I know it’s a lot to take in.” He joked. Flexing his black and gold metal fingers and turning his palm upward. “But it was this or a hot rod paint job from Tony.”

“Can I feel it?” she asked without looking at him. Bucky turned himself towards her and brought his metal hand closer to her, palm still upward. She was tentative at first, a light brush of fingertips that the metal recognized and relayed to his nerves in the shoulder.

“I can feel when something touches it.” He started blabbing, trying to both keep himself from panicking and filling the silence between them. “But I can’t feel temperatures and textures.” She laid her palm flat on top of his and Bucky till the day he died swore he felt the heat of her hand on his palm. They didn’t say anything for a while, Y/N’s palm resting on his own, both lost in their own heads.

“I think there’s a discussion that needs to have.” She said softly breaking the silence. Pulling her hand away slowly, she finally looked up at him. Bucky was strangely calm; he didn’t feel any anxiety or fear. He only nodded in confirmation.   
  


“What we talked about a few days ago was surprising to say the least.” She started. “And I’ve had some time to think about it all.” She sighed and rang her fingers through her hair. “God why is this so hard!” She exclaimed loudly making Bucky jump a little. But she kept talking.

“Ok look bottom line, before that day. I was interested in you.”

“Interested in me?” 

Y/N rolled her eyes, “Yes, interested like romantically or like at least as a fuck buddy.” Bucky’s eyebrows rose in amusement as he played over the idea of being a fuck buddy. But as her words sank in, he realized how she had phrased it.

“So, you were interested in me? But not anymore?” He asked, the dark feeling in his stomach made its appearance with a surge of nausea. Y/N opened her mouth to speak but stopped herself, and threw her hands up. She muttered something along the lines of ‘Jesus Christ’ and grabbed Bucky’s face with both her hands and kissed him.

Bucky stopped thinking; total system failure was occurring within him. Y/N was still kissing him, but she was waiting for him to respond. When he didn’t, she pulled away, turning red.

“Sorry that was stupid of me. Look here are your files and I can come back another day or not at all if that’s what you want.” She was making to stand but Bucky stopped her by grabbing her wrist and pulling her back down and kissed her.

Bucky saw stars as Y/N hesitated and then she accepted the kiss completely. Bucky had no idea what he was doing, his body seemed to be doing the thinking for him. He bit the bottom of her lip and she returned the favor which elicited a groan from him. 

Christ she was going to be the end of him.

They separated only to breath, Bucky had slowly shifted them so that Y/N was laying across the couch and he was on top of her bracing himself with his arms. She was flushed and breathing heavily, her eyes practically glowing. 

“Does that answer your question?” She teased, trying to pull him back down to her by the front of his shirt. But he resisted being pulled down. 

“I want to make sure,” he said softly. “That you are completely aware of who am I and what I’ve done.” He finished looking anywhere but her face. 

“You are Bucky. An extremely complex person, who has gone through enough to fill a history book.” She started saying and sat up a bit and kissing the corner of his mouth, he didn’t turn to meet her lips but remained in place, barely breathing.

“You are James, the man who stood outside a library for weeks trying to figure out how to walk in without being noticed.” She kissed the other corner of his mouth.

“You were the Winter Solider.” He flinched as the name was spoken but she kissed him softly on the lips. “But you aren’t him anymore.” She finished kissing him again. “You are Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes. Best friend to Steve Rogers and one of the bravest people I have ever met.” With every kiss she peeled away a piece armor Bucky had put on over the years to protect himself. He was all these people she had named. He wasn’t just one of them like he thought he was. He was all of them and they had created the person he was now. And here was this woman who had accepted every part of him no matter how dark. He felt tears slip silently down his cheeks and onto Y/N. She was looking at Bucky with such love he felt undeserving of it. What she said next was barely above a whisper, but he heard it none the less.

“And I am yours if you want me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just say I had to walk away and pull myself together towards the end..
> 
> Next chapter is NC-17.


End file.
